All my bitches love me...soundtrack to my life...

I can't wait until my blog goes viral so I can get paid for writing and eventually get my own television show.  I am the next Chelsea Handler, she became famous for being a slut and writing about it so why can't I?  So I have one new follower today and I got too excited for it.  I'm going to give a special shoutout to my new follower, you know who you are (Natalie).  Your blog is so articulate and mine is just me being a funny bitch, oh well.  Anyway my new follower did a soundtrack to her life, this inspired me to do one as well.  I'm not trying to pose off of my new follower I just really liked her idea, call me fake if you want to I really do not care. 

So this first song is my jumpoff.  This song comes on at a bar or at the gym and I stop and I make my own path and dougie right there on the floor.  I have no shame, I love to dougie.  I am also very good at dougieing and have taught many of my little monsters how to dougie.  For all of you who are not familiar with the dougie, first of all crawl out from that hole you're living in and second play this video:

The second song is Stereo Love.  This song takes me back to Greece and Turkey (that God forsaken country, sorry if there are any Turks reading my blog).  I studied abroad this summer for three weeks with two of my roommates, Mikki (you might know her as "mini nose") and Lan Lan M (you might know her as Leanne, yea that's her government name she doesn't usually use it because she's usually on the run).  Anyway Greece was awesome but the thing about Greece was it was hotter than all hell and I do not like to be hot, and we hiked up mountains, Lauren does not hike.  So back to the song, Stereo Love its my all time favorite song it really takes me back.  All of you Americans who are reading my blog you just discovered this song and I'm sure you think it's so great but the thing is I already heard the song by the time it came to the U.S.  So what I'm trying to say is that I am more worldly and international than all of you who just discovered Stereo Love.  If you haven't heard it here you go, you're welcome.

My third song reminds me of Atlantic City and the bad decisions I have made while partying there.  Last semester Mikki and I were seriously running shit in Atlantic City.  We were there almost every weekend, obviously that was an over-exaggeration, relax.  I love everything about Atlantic City, I love how everyone is dressed up and looks amazing (especially me).  I love that sometimes I win money.  The thing I love the most the poor suckers who buy my friends and I drinks and the lies that they tell us.  Last February I met some guy who had a black card that was my initial attraction to him naturally.  So this clown tells me he's on the Florida Marlins.  I'm sure that girls believe him when he tells them that but come on, you have no muscles you're actually probably skinnier than me, there is no way that you are a professional baseball player.  Now you guys at home might be thinking, "But Lauren, he had a black card he must have money so how do you know for sure he wasn't a Marlin."  Because I took my blackberry out as soon as this lie crossed his skinny lips and googled his name, how do I know it was his real name you ask? Because I made him show me I.D.  So the next time we go to Atlantic City we meet "professional football players" right and I'm Heidi Klum.  I am very aware that professional athletes frequent Atlantic City but I am not meeting any of the real ones trust me.  So here's the song and my unofficial anthem:

Here's a picture of Mikki and I pregaming in Atlantic City.  Yes, I realize I look like a prostitute but give me a break it's Atlantic City.

Fourth song, is dedicated to one of my best friends, Mikki.  I'm not going to get all emotional and nice about how she's my best friend, believe me.  We heard this song last year or whenever it came out and we loved it.  Whenever we were in the car without each other, which wasn't very often we would text each other what station to put on.  I know, we're attached to each other.  I really value the friendship I have with Mikki, she really gets me and is always there to laugh at my jokes or hear the stupid stories I somehow had gotten myself into.  Alright enough with me being nice, this song is apparently a "booty call" song I didn't even realize until recently, but I don't care it's still our song.  She actually just asked me if I was going to put "our song" in my blog and I said, "No" and she said, "But I do need you."  The girl is obsessed with me it's getting scary.

Fifth song is about all of my girlfriends.  It seriously was written for us I'm pretty sure.  I really like country music a lot, that might come as a surprise to many of you.  It actually for some reason reminds me of the drunken fights that my friends and I almost get in while we're out at bars.  I was out in Manayunk, Mad River to be exact, and some girl butts in front of Mikki and I in the coat check line at the end of the night.  Mikki has some serious beer muscles and a more serious liquor lisp (if you don't know Mikki you won't understand her lisp to the full extent that I wish you could).  Anyway back to this bitch, she butts in front of us and Mikki says, "What are you doing?" and the girl says, "Just trying to get over there."  Meaning just trying to cut through the line getting to the other side of it.  So we give her the benefit of the doubt and say OK.  It is now apparent that this girl just butted in front of us.  We're pissed.  Mikki says, "What are you doing? You butted in front of us! You are such a bitch."  The girl turns around and says, "You're right I am a bitch."  So I'm drunk and call her a dick, who calls another girl a dick?  I don't know, apparently me.  She gets her coat and I pour my drink on her shoulder discretely, then she pushes me and runs away.  Yea, this girl pushes me.  Side note: I'm 5'7" without heels on I had at least 4 inch maybe 5 inch heels on this night and this girl came  up to my boobs.  So needless to say, I didn't even budge when she pushed me.  Anyway, here's the song

There's the sound track to my life, I hope you enjoy.  Breaking News:  Courtney, one of my roommates, and her fiance will be reciting my "Philly Girls" quote as their evening prayer tonight before dinner.  Immediately following they will be raising their Yuenglings to a South Jersey girl quote.  I am going out tonight in Manayunk so needless to say I'll have a great story to blog about tomorrow.  Bye for now.

Quotes....

We meet again...to all five maybe even six of my readers do not be offended by my blog.  My blog is meant to be funny and if you cannot laugh at me, my jokes, yourself or if you just plain don't have a good sense of humor like me then please, I hate to do this but, leave (because when I offend you chances are, I'm not going to care).  So today my roommate and I are supposed to be studying for some bullshit test but instead we're reading and making fun of all of our five friends "about me" sections on their facebook pages.  Four out of the six of my roommates are from the jersey shore, and so naturally they all have stupid quotes about being a jersey girl and how awesome it is and how beautiful they all are..whatever.  So I'm thinking what about all my classy PA girls out there? Big ups to all my PA girls, I see you and I wrote some quotes for you that you may put in your facebook "about me" sections or get tattooed on your body, either one.  Again, do not take my blog seriously.  Here's just a quick side note about me:  when I am not living outside of the city of Philadelphia I reside in Chester County but I might as well be from Lancaster County (I live a mile from the Lancaster County boarder).  So I wrote two quotes one is for all of my Philly girls (I know I am not from Philly but I know what it's all about) and the other is for Lancaster girls (I realize I am not from Lancaster and I did not write one for the Chester County girls, but get over it). 

Philly Girls
Is it the way she drinks her 40 out of a paper bag on a stoop in South Philly or is it the way she drinks her Twisted Tea in the Jetro lot before a Phillies game?  Or is it the classy way she asks, "Youse goin' down the shore this weekend?  Can I ride witchas?"  Or could it be the way she houses two cheese steaks wit wiz from Pats?  I think it's the way she's drunk doing the Mummer's march down two street on January 1st.  The Philly girl's got a fake tan and she pumps her own gas.  She can't drive in the suburbs or the Jersey shore but she can cut you off while flipping you the bird while getting onto 76.  The Philly girl is the classiest girl on the East Coast and if you're not in love with one, good for you.

Lancaster County Girls
Lancaster County girls are the most naturally trashy girls in all of PA.  Is it the way a Lancaster County girl drinks her Busch or the way her hair smells like manure?  Could it be the way she leaves her trailer park in a truck caked in mud from off-roading the night before.  I think it is the way she floats around her local Wal-Mart while packs of illegal immigrants undress her with their eyes.  A Lancaster County girl has mastered the art of cow tipping and keg standing.  A Lancaster County girl looks good in almost all things flannel.  You can catch a Lancaster County girl watching Nascar on Sundays with a can of PBR in her hand. If you have not had the pleasure of meeting a Lancaster County girl consider yourself lucky.

So there you guys go, do what you like with my quotes but do not act like you came up with them on your own because you're not as smart as me and not nearly as funny.  Bye for now.

Hello to all of my little monsters out there...

Hello to all of my fans out there.  I am so glad to see that you are with me tonight.  As I sit here in my kitchen with two of my roommates and write my very first blog, I can't help but think will my fans enjoy my blog?  Then I remembered that I am hilarious and of course they will.  So for my first blog I will introduce myself.  I am a senior in college and living outside of the city of brotherly love.  I live in an old house with six other girls, and only ONE bathroom.  I know what you're thinking, how do I do it?  In all honesty though, it's not as bad as you would think.  My roommates are all rare breeds we're all so different but all so beautiful (I'm the prettiest of course).  I'm just kidding, but seriously.  Here's some fun facts about me:  I'm an only child, I love my dog to death, I'm sarcastic, that's pretty much all you need to know.  I am single and loving life as a 21 year old hottie.  I am graduating in about a month and have no idea what to do next year, but this summer I plan on living the dream. 
          I'll tell you about my weekend now, of course it was crazy-cool-fun-drunk.  Friday, I am sitting at my house all alone, thinking to myself, "Tonight you should take it easy, do school work, get up early tomorrow and really hit the gym hard."  But then I thought, "Lauren, you're 21 you might never get the chance to live it up again."  Another thought then popped into my head, "Lauren all of your roommates are gone and you have no other friends."  This is sad but true.  Then I remembered my friend Mer who lives in Manayunk is probably going out tonight because she loves to go hard like me (I met Mer through one of my roommates).  So I text Mer and she says, "yes lets go out."  I find something sexy to wear and do my make-up three times before I'm satisfied with it and bounce.  I get to Mer's somehow find a legit parking spot and walk to her house.  To make a long story  short, we all get drunk I meet some guy that Mer's friends with and were dancing then we go back to Mer's and eat her roommates Ellios pizza (she was pissed the next day but guess what? I don't care).  So then I pass out, wake up and leave.  I get to my house pack some clothes get a shower and head down the shore, Cape May to be exact.  I went to Cape May because one of my roommates lives there with her fiance and they're always down to party.  So that night we all try to get drunk, I was drunk at some point but then sobered up and was pissed.  I look over at my roommate, Courtney and she's passed out at her own party in front of all of her friends.  I know, you're embarrassed for her and so am I.  Courtney by the way (BTW) is my personal match maker, but I'll elaborate on that later.  So I fall asleep on the couch and wake up the next day and do the same thing all over again, but this time our other roommate Mikki (yes, like the mouse) came down.  I was so happy that Mikki came down because honestly, Courtney's fake.  So we get drunk and I embarrass myself as usual.  Then the next day we wake up and Mikki's being miserable all day but whatever.  That night we go to where Courtney's mother bartends, the VFW and drink for free which makes me so happy.  I met an old WWII vet who told me he'd give me something I never had before, 90 year old black lovin'.  I am not even offended when he says this to me.  He asked me to be his date to his birthday party in July, I of course accepted.  I'm so happy I finally found my missing puzzle piece.  Then I wake up today and immediately hate myself for drinking the night before, but hey, that's life.  I go to class today and can't even keep my eyes open but there's nothing out of the ordinary about that because I am a self-diagnosed narcoleptic.  Tomorrow I will blog about more interesting aspects of my life.  Bye for now.