Am I an Old Maid?

Hello all! Tonight is Saturday night and I'm beyond bored, I seriously do not know what I would do if I lived at my parents house all summer long. I have no friends here, well I do but not as many as in South Jersey. That's sad. Another thing I don't have is a boyfriend which would take up a lot of my time if I did. The 15 year old boy who runs the restaurant I work at is always trying to set me up with people he knows. And by that I mean the 17 year old bus boys. He is concerned that I will be an old maid who drinks all the time. My mom mom is also concerned that I will be alone. I'm 22 years old and I think Im alright looking? I don't know why people are so worried. Maybe they should be? I don't fucking know. Either way I wasn't worried about this until I realized other people were! What the fuck!?

Anyway, I got a bunch of new clothes this week. That's one perk of being home, my mom spoils me. Alls we do is shop. Today we were at the Gap outlet and my flip flop broke and I almost fell. How embarrassing!! Not really, but that's the most exciting thing that's happened to me all day.

I would like to drink heavily right now. I haven't drank since last Saturday at the black and white affair. It's been too long. Is this called alcoholism? I don't know and I don't care if it is. I'm also losing my tan which is a problem. God I can't even wait til Monday! It will be so glorious!

What do people do who have no friends and are bored all the time? I usually have friends, just this week I haven't. Maybe they blog?

I was just on facebook and someone muploaded (mobile uploaded) a wedding party playing flip cup. I don't know if I think it's trashy or fun? I'll have to think about it. I'm on the verge of making a very bad decision. Gotta go!!

Bye for now.

Is 55 The New 25?

Hello all!  I am so ashamed that I have not blogged in almost a month!  Please take me back, I needed some space and some time alone to really get my creative blog juices flowing.  So I've been in the dirty jerz just doin my thing, ya know partyin, workin, lookin sexy.  I wish I could tell you about the title of my blog but it is not appropriate, it is a funny story though, so if you are blessed enough to be my friend text me about it and I will tell you I will even provide you with a picture to really get you into the story. 

So anyway, I am back in PA for a week because I had surgery on my mouth.  My surgery went well thank you for asking, I was swollen and sore for a couple of days but I got through it.  My top lip was swollen, I looked like Taylor Armstrong from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, not a good look for me.  Today I got my hair highlighted and colored and Mikki talked me into getting my hair cut.  I got five inches taken off, I don't know if Mikki was trying to help me or sabotage me.  I still look pretty though, don't worry. 

This past weekend I attended a black and white affair for my friend Meredith's birthday.  The affair was held at Courtney and Dave's house (where I also reside).  Everyone had to wear black or white obviously, but guess who shows up with a gray hat on?  My future son's father Chaz, if he wasn't Courtney's brother and my future mans I think Meredith would have kicked him out.  The affair was fun, I feel like it was a blur but I didn't think I was drunk...maybe I was?  I don't know either way, PA is boring.  I want to go back to jersey now but I have to wait til Monday.  Oh well.

In other news, I would like to tell some stories about this "man" that comes in and out of my life via facebook inbox messages.  This guy is a character, the stories I could tell about him are truly hilarious.  The thing is, I don't want him to ever know that I write about him and what if when my blog goes viral he reads it.  He also has a blog, his blog is funny but not as funny as mine.  And I did not pose off of his blog, best believe that.

Here's three things I'm obsessed with this week (Yes, I stole this from Andy Cohen, get over it).
1.) Mob Wives
2.) Manly Men
3.) The fact that a 51 year old actor married a 16 year old girl (I am not obsessed with this in a good way, don't get it twisted).

Mob Wives, I aspire to be just like Carla on Mob Wives.  I am so much like Carla, I am not confrontational but if provoked, I will attack.  And I stand up for my mans (if I had a mans, I would stand up for him).  If you haven't seen Mob Wives, get it together and watch all of the episodes from the season premiere.  The shit that these women do and say is truly entertaining.  Is it bad that I now want to be a Mob Wife?  I don't care if it's bad, only God can judge me.  Do you think I could be married to a Gangster?  I think I could, as long as he has money and looks half decent.  He could dress me up, I could be his doll.  I dream big.  My Uncle gave me some good advice about two weeks ago, he said, "Marry rich, the older the better that way you can put up a fight.  You'll be alright, I've never seen a beautiful blonde bag lady."  Damn, ain't that the truth!  I will never be a bag lady as long as I stay blonde?  Fact.  Anyway back to Mob Wives, I think I need to move to Staten Island and start my life there, that or South Philly, either one. 

Manly men.  Nothing is more sexy than a dirty man, you know he knows how to fix shit.  You know you will never call a repair man.  You also know that he is truly a mans man.  This obsession doesn't only last a week, it lasts a life time.  You know when you're in WaWa around noon and all the construction men are on their lunch breaks, yea that's the kinda man I want.  One that stares at girls like they are mere sex objects, yea, a true man.  I think WaWa and Home Depot would probably be two great places to meet men.  If you see me at Home Depot don't be alarmed, babygirl's just trying to get a date. 

This fucking 51 year old man marrying a fucking 16 year old girl.  What the fuck?  OK, this girl's parents signed (or whatever you have to do to let your CHILD get married younger than 18) for her to marry a 51 year old man!  He's an actor that's why.  You can't even begin to tell me that if he was some regular pedophile on the street that this girl would have been allowed to marry this piece of shit.  Nope, wouldn't have happened.  They got married to show people of the world, like me that love knows no age.  Bullshit.  You're 16 years old, I give them two years.  There is no way that this marriage will last.  I will now think back to when I was 16.  Yep, I was an idiot, no way in hell could I have been married.  Maybe I'm being close minded, maybe I shouldn't care, but guess what?  I do.  You are sick 51 year old man, whom I forget your name, you are a disgrace!  I wanted that picture to be below but oh well, I can't figure out how to move it.  She does look old for a 16 year old, and he does look like a dick head for marrying a 16 year old, oh wait, he is.

I would like to leave my readers with something special today, but I'm not going to.  Bye for now!

Impatients..not just a name for flowers...also a name for me when I go shopping with Courtney.....

Hello all!  The last time I blogged was Thursday I think, not a lot has happened since then.  I can tell you about my weekend though.  I some how did not get drunk all weekend, this makes me sad.  I guess I could have gotten drunk but just didn't feel that it was necessary.  So Friday I was drinking at Courtney's with our friends then I snuck away and went to sleep.  Saturday I worked, Alice now works with me so that was fun.  Saturday night I went to Courtney's I thought I was alone at her house, until her friend Dave popped out of a room and scared me!  I guess I scared him too, then I got a shower and went to Courtney's mom's house.  I drank two beers, why?  I don't know.  Sunday I worked again then went to Courtney's and didn't drink.  Monday, Courtney and I went to Wal-Mart, Lowes, Ross, the liquor store, to get our eye brows done and Starbucks.  It was our big day out! 

Do you know just how indecisive Courtney is?  I didn't know the extent of her problem with decision making until we went to Wal-Mart and Lowes together.  Never again.  She wants to plant flowers in her yard but she wants perennials, only perennials.  I said fine I can look for some perennials.  I suggest Lamb's Ear to her twice, because they are soft and feel like a lamb's ear.  She says no.  Fine.  Eighty percent of the perennials I see are ugly, I suggest some impatients because they are colorful, impatients are not perennials but who cares they're like a dollar eighty something.  She says no, we're at Lowes by the way.  Then she says we should go to Wal-Mart and see what flowers they have, OK now we're going to Wal-Mart.  We get to the garden section at Wal-Mart and see the same flowers we saw at Lowes.  We walk around there for a good 25 minutes then go back to Lowes.  We're back at Lowes, I take control of our cart at Lowes because I now mean business.  Courtney says she is now open to impatients, because the name relates to her.  OK great I've said impatients since the beginning.  She picks out flowers puts some back tells me to look at the flowers I suggested to her an hour ago.  I said yea I said they were my favorite the first time we were here.  She says, "Now you tell me."  I told you an hour ago!  Then she wants to get some bricks to put around her bird bath.  OK how many bricks, what type of shape are you making with the bricks.  She is unsure, so she says lets build something.  Great.  We are putting the bricks in a circular shape on the ground imagining the bird bath is in the middle of them.  Then she sees other bricks she likes better.  I put back to first bricks, FYI these bricks are heavy.  We make some octagon type shape with the second bricks, and decides she wants them.  We put them on our cart,  I am pulling the cart to the register when she darts the other way, I follow her with the cart.  Then she's looking at the bricks on the cart and says, "You know what maybe I shouldn't get these I have a feeling Dave won't like them."  OK, I schlep all the way back to the brick aisle and we put the bricks back.  Then I said, "The cart is going to the register and not stopping."  I am standing in line Courtney's with me, then she goes and picks out two more flowers!  We check out and we're on our way to the car, but wait!  Courtney is still switching her flowers, she's asking me how her flowers look...they look good!  I've said they looked good since the beginning.  We went to Ross sometime between or maybe before the whole Wal-Mart, Lowes incident.  Do you know how many different types of people were at Ross?  I will tell you, first there was Courtney and I, normal young women.  Then there were three middle aged fat, white women with corn rows.  OK, I'm used to seeing that kind of shit.  Then an American man with three young Russian women.  The man's obviously a creep, I can tell.  He's being obnoxious in Ross picking out clothes for the Russians.  Then Asians.  Then white gangsters.  Then foreigners.  There were some more normal people thrown in there.  So diverse. 

I finally bought a bottle of Skinny Girl Margarita.  It's pretty good, stronger then I had expected.  Monday night was interesting, it was entertaining.  We watched Dave and his friend pull a stump out of their yard with a truck and a big rope.  It was exciting.  Mikki was cheering, "Go Stump!!"  I was embarrassed. 

Anyway, yesterday I drove back to PA.  It's dumb that I'm in PA today because it's so nice out I wish I was at the beach.  Instead, I'll lay out in my backyard.  Tomorrow I'm going back to Cape May and I'll be there for the summer.  I'll be back in June for a week though, I'm having mouth surgery if anyone cares.  I went out to eat with my mom last night, I don't fit in in PA.  I look around and every one's either Mennonite with a long denim skirt on, or white trash.  I'm not kidding.  I'm not saying I'm better than them, just better looking.  I was five miles from my house and you would have thought we were in West Virginia.  It's just a different way of life out here, I need to live in a city I think. 

I assume everyone has seen that website of pictures entitled, "People of Wal-Mart."  If you haven't go look at it, it's pretty funny.  My mom's friend e-mailed her some other website, "Worse Than People of Wal-Mart."  This picture has got to be fake. 

Sweet heart, it is your grandmother's funeral (or maybe your aunt or someone close to you).  It is not the time or place to take your next Myspace profile picture.  The peace sign really gets me, I understand if maybe you wanted a last picture together.  I actually don't even really understand that because why would you want to remember whoever that is in their casket.  Anyway, homeboy really took a picture like this and I assume put it on some social networking site, my guess is Myspace, because it is now all over the Internet.  How do you think your loved one feels about you now?  Maybe proud?  But probably mortified for you and for her self because dead is not the best look for her.  R.I.P.

Bye for now!   

I Like The Love Yous Have.......

Hello readers!  Today I am writing about a special couple in my life, my new roomies, Courtney and Dave.  I stumbled upon a quote the other day that reminded me so much of them.  "Love is measured in the amount of times your significant other shakes their head at you."  Guess who shakes their head more?  Courtney or Dave?  Dave (at least when I'm around) not in a mean or mad way more like in a, "I can't believe that just happened" way.  It's like Dave's saying, "I can't believe Courtney's so funny!"  Or "I can't believe Courtney is so beautiful!"  I can't believe either of those two things either.  I observe them from a psychological point of view and I believe that their communication is very well developed.  I hardly see them fight, I can't even imagine Dave getting mad at Courtney.  For example, one time Courtney left her laptop cord in front of the door way, obviously someone is going to trip over that, obviously it was Dave right after he woke up.  He tripped over it and said, "Why's this cord here?"  And then guess what?  He laughed.  I was shocked, I thought he was going to be so mad.  I actually don't know why I thought he was going to be pissed but I really did.  I think that incident occurred in the first few days I really met him.  So basically, Courtney tripped him and he laughed.  I'm looking for a word to describe Dave, I think it might be attentive?  I think he is very attentive (?) to Courtney.  I can't think of an example of that but I can think of something else that Dave did that was nice.  One time me, Mikki and Courtney were watching some stupid show that was not that important while Nascar was on.  Dave asked for the remote so I figured we were going to watch Nascar instead of our show.  I wasn't mad or anything it's Dave's house after all.  But guess what?  He recorded Nascar and we went on watching our show.  WOW!  What a stand up guy, can I just tell you that if that was someone else that I know we would all be watching his show and if God forbid we weren't everyone in the room would know how pissed he was.  I'm beginning to wonder who I like more Courtney or Dave?  This blog is all about Dave so far.  Let me think of something nice Courtney did.  Oh I know.  One time we were at our local hang out, the liquor store, and we were buying beer and vodka of course.  We wanted bottles but Courtney said, "Dave likes cans, I'll buy him his own case of cans."  That is love.  Courtney makes Dave dinner and delivers it to him, that's nice of her, but that is all apart of a woman's duty (I'm totally kidding).  But seriously, that is very nice of her.  I just stumbled upon another quote that reminds me of them!

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." -Dr. Seuss.  I'm not saying they are complete weirdos, I'm just saying that they're a little weird (a good weird).  This quote scares me because I know I'm very weird and to find someone equally as weird as I am and to fall in mutual weirdness with them is a scary thought, because that person has to be a fucking whack-job.  Any who, I bought Courtney and Dave a house warming gift today!  It took me forever to pick out, I was set on a Buddha but then I thought, "Wow Lauren that's pretty selfish just because you collect Buddhas doesn't mean everyone does!"  In order to have a collection you must have three of the item you plan on collecting, just if anyone was unsure!

See I was just going to go into some real deep, emotional shit until my blog almost went viral a second ago.  I love my blog, I do and it means a lot to me that people want to read it but I'm not ready for all the attention it's going to get.  Say I put my blog link on my facebook, don't you know that everyone at my small ass school would be hating on it.  I know that it would get out all around school and I do not want people asking me about my blog.  Not to mention, I have family on facebook!  What would they think if they read the shit I write?  I am not sure what they would think, probably just that I am funny. 

Shout out to my new reader, Reaghan E. Daily.  Hopefully when you read my blog you'll get a sense of humor, but let's be real probably not.  Maybe next week I'll write a blog on our 18 year long friendship!  How the hell have you been friends with me for so long?  I don't know, maybe because I'm so awesome and funny and don't forget pretty.  When I'm famous I promise I won't forget my best friend Reaghan, I'll allow her to be my assistant.  Tomorrow's jump-off Friday!!  Bye for now!

P.S.  Here's a picture of Reaghan

This bitch is wild, she gives me a run for my money.  Just kidding, absolutely not, she can't even drink three beers out at a bar.

Karma Is A Bigger Bitch Then I'll Ever Be........

Hello all!  I can't believe I blogged at my college graduation!  WOW!  That's extreme blogging, it should be a sport.  I was going to blog last night but I fell asleep early.  It was throwback Tuesday, so I'll just pretend like it's Tuesday today.  Actually no I'm not doing a throwback I'm doing something better.  First of all, I am not making fun of fat people in my blog.  I just want everyone to know that.  I just miss MTV's show Fat Camp that's all.  Courtney reminded me of how good it was this weekend, and it has been on my mind for two days now.  I miss Dianne from Fat Camp.  I'm not going to dance around it either, I want to know where she is today.  For any of you who don't know what I'm talking about just wait, I'll find a video momentarily.  In all seriousness, I am not making fun of fat people.  Weight issues are not funny.  Dianne could be the prettiest, skinniest girl ever and I would still think she was hilarious, I'm so serious.  I watched this episode probably about 10 times and hysterically laughed at every single viewing.  I feel like this blog is too mean to post, but I really want to do it anyway.

This video is sad, yet funny.  It's a shame that she has terrible social skills and it's a shame that the other girls attending fat camp need to make fun of her.  If you were at fat camp would you really make fun of someone else's weight?  You're all at fat camp, pretty sure you're all in the same boat.  I like how her roommate "apologized."  Saying, "I'm sorry your towel fell off."  Is not an apology!  I really like how the counselor stripped in front of the whole cabin.  I wonder if she regretted that, I think it was unnecessary.  I applaud Dianne for losing the weight that she did despite all of her "bitchy-ass roommates."  Dianne really showed them though, not showering for three whole days!  That's how I usually get back at my roommates if I'm mad at them.  At least she likes Lynyrd Skynyrd, there's a bright side to everything.  I see a little bit of myself in Dianne.  For example, when someone asks her, "Are you from Alabama?"  Dianne says, "No, HA!"  That's something I would say, I don't know that I would ever be head banging to the point of perspiration though. 

I hope I didn't cross the line with that.  If I did, I apologize I tried to get an outside opinion about it, but she hasn't answered me.  In other news, after graduation I went to Courtney's.  All of our roommates went there except Kellianne, she had to get up early the next day because she went to Las Vegas!  I'm beyond jealous.  Courtney's party was fun, the sleeping situation was not.  Four people on an air mattress, never again, at least Milly is small.  The next day me, Courtney, and Mikki got tattoos.  Leanne got her tragus pierced and Mechmann (I don't know if I've mentioned her in any blogs yet, but her name's Lauren too that's why I call her Mechmann) tried to get her cartilage pierced.  I got Karma tattooed on my ribs (that explains the title of my blog).  Mikki got, "Always toward better things..." on her ribs and Courtney got two Sagittarius symbols on her foot.  This is my fifth tattoo, I say that I am so done with tattoos but I'm probably not, they're addicting.  It really hurt, I was holding Mechmann's hand and I probably almost broke it.  My most painful tattoo was my tramp stamp, I seriously don't know how I sat through that.  It took almost an hour, if you're wondering what it is, it's a Princess Celtic cross because I'm a princess, obviously.  I don't really consider it a tramp stamp, and if you do, so be it.  I don't care I love all of my tattoos.

I will now share a picture from graduation with all of you (most of you are probably in the picture). 

From left to right: Kellianne, ME, Mikki, Lan Lan M. (babygirl), Courtney, Alice, Mechmann (Lauren Mechmann).  This is actually not from graduation, it's from mass which was the night before.  Why am I always a giant?  I don't know I guess cause I often have heels on when being photographed (i.e. at a bar or an event such as graduation).  I wear heels to a bar, look around, and see that every guy is shorter than me.  Oh well, heels elongate the leg and make me look skinnier.  I might do something wild, and blog twice in one day.  I don't know if my readers can handle it though so I'll have to think about it.  Bye for now! 

She Graduated, Yea She College Educated

Breaking mews: I'm at graduation!!! I woke up still drunk and I smell like alcohol. I have to go some girl I've never seen before is giving a speech! Bye for now!

Do Something Extraordinary.....

Hello readers!  I'm sorry I couldn't blog last night, blogger was down all night and this morning, I hope everyone could get through their day without my blog.  So as you can see this blog is entitled, "Do Something Extraordinary."  That's my school's slogan.  I've been doing extraordinary things for four years now and I graduate on Sunday!  It's pretty exciting, I feel like my life is moving way too fast.  Before I know it summer's going to be over and it's going to be Christmas and then before I know it I'll be 30.  Wow..I'm really getting ahead of myself.  I will now share with you a memorable moment I've had while studying at Cabrini.  This happened approximately two weeks ago, Mikki and I were in the most boring class we've had in four years.  This is not an exaggeration by any means, our professor, God bless his elderly heart is probably the smartest man I know, but so boring.  He provides no visual aides, he just talks on and on and on.  You get the picture Mikki and I are bored to tears and it's the last week of classes.  We're doing some bullshit take home exam in class when we should be paying attention.  We're scouring the page for the answer (he gives us the test and what page to find each answer, what am I learning by doing this?)  when I see the answer!  The answer is, "thinking."  I whisper to Mikki, "thinking."  She looks at me and smiles.  I say it again, "thinking."  She nods.  I say it one more time, "thinking."  She says, "So what's the answer?"  I say, "The answer is thinking."  She starts hysterically laughing, I didn't know what she was laughing at at first but the sight of her laughing in class makes me laugh.  If you know me then you know that when something is funny I cannot hold it in, I have to laugh and it takes me a while to compose my self.  So she says, "I thought you were telling me you were still thinking about the question."  This makes us laugh so hard that we're crying in class.  I understand that this is so rude and disrespectful.  This display of jackassery confirms in all of our classmates minds that we are total bitches, I'm sure that they all thought it before, but now it's a fact.  Our professor would never, ever call us out on laughing in class, and thank the good Lord for that because if he did I would have crawled under the desk, still hysterically laughing and died.  To make matters worse he asks our class a question that absolutely no one knows the answer to.  Ninety-nine percent of our class is on their cell phones, literally no one is listening.  Our professor knows that no one knows the answer to his question so of course instead of just telling us the useless answer he gives us hints.  He says, "Starts with an L!"  Everyone avoids eye contact with him.  He says, "Ends in a D!"  No one answers.  I don't even know the fucking answer to the question, I actually don't even know the question being asked.  I'm just focusing on avoiding looking at Mikki's dumb face and trying to compose myself.  Then God answered our prayers and our professor says, "I think we could use a two minute break."  Yes we could!  Mikki and I go to the bathroom, I go in a stall she waits outside of the stall.  I go to the bathroom and try to get out of the stall.  The stall is stuck, I can not even talk, I am laughing so hard I'm crying.  I'm praying Mikki's still in the bathroom because I don't know how I'm going to get out, I can't even form words.  I compose myself enough to say, "Mikki, I'm stuck!"  She comes to the outside of the stall, hears me laughing and starts cracking up.  Mikki says, "OK, you pull and I'll push."  Finally, I am broken out of my stall.  Side note:  there was a girl in our class in the bathroom and she did not find it funny.  She even gave us a dirty look when we got back into class!  Why can't people just laugh when something's funny?  Oh, jealousy.  We leave the bathroom and Mikki says, "Lauren, get away from me, I cannot look at you right now.  Just when I thought we could stop laughing, you had to get yourself stuck in the bathroom stall."  This makes me laugh even more, but I try to give Mikki her time and space.  Surprisingly the rest of the class I only laugh a couple of times.  Of all days of course the girl who absolutely cannot pronounce one word in the English language has to present her chapter to our class.  This makes me laugh, because she is literally mumbling every word because she doesn't know how to say them!  Good thing Mikki doesn't see me laughing or it would have been a catastrophe all over again.  That story was so college, and I am sadly not college anymore. 

This is probably what we looked like in class, hopefully I looked a little better.  But in all honesty that class was on a Friday and I was probably hung over so I most likely looked 10 times worse. 

It's also jump-off Friday!  I have so many videos that I want to post.  But I chose the one that is most relevant to my current life situation. 

This isn't my jump off but listen to the lyrics, and you'll see how it relates to me (except I don't smoke). 

Here's an interesting story, today Kellianne (one of my 1,000 roommates) and I got spray tans.  First of all, Kel's an idiot and does not know her towns in Pennsylvania, like I do.  I tell her how to get to this tanning salon, she tells me I'm wrong and goes the wrong way.  We go to the wrong tanning salon, then I tell her she's wrong and we go back the way I told her to go, to make a long story short, I'm smart, she's dumb, we're 15 minutes late to her appointment.  So we get there I walk in and realize that the owner of this tanning salon almost hired me for a job two years ago, she even called me in for two interviews to work at her tanning salon.  Seriously?  Two interviews?  Come on this isn't Wall Street it's a tanning salon.  Luckily she doesn't recognize me.  Kel gets her spray tan first then I go.  You have to take your clothes off, except your underwear and stand in front of this lady and let her spray you.  It's kind of awkward at first, but I just try to keep the conversation rolling.  So she gets to my boobs and says, "So about your breasts."  I'm like, "Yea, what about them?"  I didn't know where she was going with this.  She's like, "So do you want the underneath tanned too?"  I'm thinking well no one's going to see that but I'm paying for my whole body might as well get my whole entire body!  I'm like, "Yea might as well!"  So she instructs me on how to hold them up.  She's examining my boobs and is like, "I just have to look at them, you know every breast is different."  Totally.  That was kind of an interesting experience, but now I can't shower until tomorrow and I feel absolutely so disgusting.  I might not blog until Monday, since tomorrow I have to go to Mass and Sunday is graduation.  Stay tuned!  Bye for now!