Am I an Old Maid?

Hello all! Tonight is Saturday night and I'm beyond bored, I seriously do not know what I would do if I lived at my parents house all summer long. I have no friends here, well I do but not as many as in South Jersey. That's sad. Another thing I don't have is a boyfriend which would take up a lot of my time if I did. The 15 year old boy who runs the restaurant I work at is always trying to set me up with people he knows. And by that I mean the 17 year old bus boys. He is concerned that I will be an old maid who drinks all the time. My mom mom is also concerned that I will be alone. I'm 22 years old and I think Im alright looking? I don't know why people are so worried. Maybe they should be? I don't fucking know. Either way I wasn't worried about this until I realized other people were! What the fuck!?

Anyway, I got a bunch of new clothes this week. That's one perk of being home, my mom spoils me. Alls we do is shop. Today we were at the Gap outlet and my flip flop broke and I almost fell. How embarrassing!! Not really, but that's the most exciting thing that's happened to me all day.

I would like to drink heavily right now. I haven't drank since last Saturday at the black and white affair. It's been too long. Is this called alcoholism? I don't know and I don't care if it is. I'm also losing my tan which is a problem. God I can't even wait til Monday! It will be so glorious!

What do people do who have no friends and are bored all the time? I usually have friends, just this week I haven't. Maybe they blog?

I was just on facebook and someone muploaded (mobile uploaded) a wedding party playing flip cup. I don't know if I think it's trashy or fun? I'll have to think about it. I'm on the verge of making a very bad decision. Gotta go!!

Bye for now.

Is 55 The New 25?

Hello all!  I am so ashamed that I have not blogged in almost a month!  Please take me back, I needed some space and some time alone to really get my creative blog juices flowing.  So I've been in the dirty jerz just doin my thing, ya know partyin, workin, lookin sexy.  I wish I could tell you about the title of my blog but it is not appropriate, it is a funny story though, so if you are blessed enough to be my friend text me about it and I will tell you I will even provide you with a picture to really get you into the story. 

So anyway, I am back in PA for a week because I had surgery on my mouth.  My surgery went well thank you for asking, I was swollen and sore for a couple of days but I got through it.  My top lip was swollen, I looked like Taylor Armstrong from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, not a good look for me.  Today I got my hair highlighted and colored and Mikki talked me into getting my hair cut.  I got five inches taken off, I don't know if Mikki was trying to help me or sabotage me.  I still look pretty though, don't worry. 

This past weekend I attended a black and white affair for my friend Meredith's birthday.  The affair was held at Courtney and Dave's house (where I also reside).  Everyone had to wear black or white obviously, but guess who shows up with a gray hat on?  My future son's father Chaz, if he wasn't Courtney's brother and my future mans I think Meredith would have kicked him out.  The affair was fun, I feel like it was a blur but I didn't think I was drunk...maybe I was?  I don't know either way, PA is boring.  I want to go back to jersey now but I have to wait til Monday.  Oh well.

In other news, I would like to tell some stories about this "man" that comes in and out of my life via facebook inbox messages.  This guy is a character, the stories I could tell about him are truly hilarious.  The thing is, I don't want him to ever know that I write about him and what if when my blog goes viral he reads it.  He also has a blog, his blog is funny but not as funny as mine.  And I did not pose off of his blog, best believe that.

Here's three things I'm obsessed with this week (Yes, I stole this from Andy Cohen, get over it).
1.) Mob Wives
2.) Manly Men
3.) The fact that a 51 year old actor married a 16 year old girl (I am not obsessed with this in a good way, don't get it twisted).

Mob Wives, I aspire to be just like Carla on Mob Wives.  I am so much like Carla, I am not confrontational but if provoked, I will attack.  And I stand up for my mans (if I had a mans, I would stand up for him).  If you haven't seen Mob Wives, get it together and watch all of the episodes from the season premiere.  The shit that these women do and say is truly entertaining.  Is it bad that I now want to be a Mob Wife?  I don't care if it's bad, only God can judge me.  Do you think I could be married to a Gangster?  I think I could, as long as he has money and looks half decent.  He could dress me up, I could be his doll.  I dream big.  My Uncle gave me some good advice about two weeks ago, he said, "Marry rich, the older the better that way you can put up a fight.  You'll be alright, I've never seen a beautiful blonde bag lady."  Damn, ain't that the truth!  I will never be a bag lady as long as I stay blonde?  Fact.  Anyway back to Mob Wives, I think I need to move to Staten Island and start my life there, that or South Philly, either one. 

Manly men.  Nothing is more sexy than a dirty man, you know he knows how to fix shit.  You know you will never call a repair man.  You also know that he is truly a mans man.  This obsession doesn't only last a week, it lasts a life time.  You know when you're in WaWa around noon and all the construction men are on their lunch breaks, yea that's the kinda man I want.  One that stares at girls like they are mere sex objects, yea, a true man.  I think WaWa and Home Depot would probably be two great places to meet men.  If you see me at Home Depot don't be alarmed, babygirl's just trying to get a date. 

This fucking 51 year old man marrying a fucking 16 year old girl.  What the fuck?  OK, this girl's parents signed (or whatever you have to do to let your CHILD get married younger than 18) for her to marry a 51 year old man!  He's an actor that's why.  You can't even begin to tell me that if he was some regular pedophile on the street that this girl would have been allowed to marry this piece of shit.  Nope, wouldn't have happened.  They got married to show people of the world, like me that love knows no age.  Bullshit.  You're 16 years old, I give them two years.  There is no way that this marriage will last.  I will now think back to when I was 16.  Yep, I was an idiot, no way in hell could I have been married.  Maybe I'm being close minded, maybe I shouldn't care, but guess what?  I do.  You are sick 51 year old man, whom I forget your name, you are a disgrace!  I wanted that picture to be below but oh well, I can't figure out how to move it.  She does look old for a 16 year old, and he does look like a dick head for marrying a 16 year old, oh wait, he is.

I would like to leave my readers with something special today, but I'm not going to.  Bye for now!

Impatients..not just a name for flowers...also a name for me when I go shopping with Courtney.....

Hello all!  The last time I blogged was Thursday I think, not a lot has happened since then.  I can tell you about my weekend though.  I some how did not get drunk all weekend, this makes me sad.  I guess I could have gotten drunk but just didn't feel that it was necessary.  So Friday I was drinking at Courtney's with our friends then I snuck away and went to sleep.  Saturday I worked, Alice now works with me so that was fun.  Saturday night I went to Courtney's I thought I was alone at her house, until her friend Dave popped out of a room and scared me!  I guess I scared him too, then I got a shower and went to Courtney's mom's house.  I drank two beers, why?  I don't know.  Sunday I worked again then went to Courtney's and didn't drink.  Monday, Courtney and I went to Wal-Mart, Lowes, Ross, the liquor store, to get our eye brows done and Starbucks.  It was our big day out! 

Do you know just how indecisive Courtney is?  I didn't know the extent of her problem with decision making until we went to Wal-Mart and Lowes together.  Never again.  She wants to plant flowers in her yard but she wants perennials, only perennials.  I said fine I can look for some perennials.  I suggest Lamb's Ear to her twice, because they are soft and feel like a lamb's ear.  She says no.  Fine.  Eighty percent of the perennials I see are ugly, I suggest some impatients because they are colorful, impatients are not perennials but who cares they're like a dollar eighty something.  She says no, we're at Lowes by the way.  Then she says we should go to Wal-Mart and see what flowers they have, OK now we're going to Wal-Mart.  We get to the garden section at Wal-Mart and see the same flowers we saw at Lowes.  We walk around there for a good 25 minutes then go back to Lowes.  We're back at Lowes, I take control of our cart at Lowes because I now mean business.  Courtney says she is now open to impatients, because the name relates to her.  OK great I've said impatients since the beginning.  She picks out flowers puts some back tells me to look at the flowers I suggested to her an hour ago.  I said yea I said they were my favorite the first time we were here.  She says, "Now you tell me."  I told you an hour ago!  Then she wants to get some bricks to put around her bird bath.  OK how many bricks, what type of shape are you making with the bricks.  She is unsure, so she says lets build something.  Great.  We are putting the bricks in a circular shape on the ground imagining the bird bath is in the middle of them.  Then she sees other bricks she likes better.  I put back to first bricks, FYI these bricks are heavy.  We make some octagon type shape with the second bricks, and decides she wants them.  We put them on our cart,  I am pulling the cart to the register when she darts the other way, I follow her with the cart.  Then she's looking at the bricks on the cart and says, "You know what maybe I shouldn't get these I have a feeling Dave won't like them."  OK, I schlep all the way back to the brick aisle and we put the bricks back.  Then I said, "The cart is going to the register and not stopping."  I am standing in line Courtney's with me, then she goes and picks out two more flowers!  We check out and we're on our way to the car, but wait!  Courtney is still switching her flowers, she's asking me how her flowers look...they look good!  I've said they looked good since the beginning.  We went to Ross sometime between or maybe before the whole Wal-Mart, Lowes incident.  Do you know how many different types of people were at Ross?  I will tell you, first there was Courtney and I, normal young women.  Then there were three middle aged fat, white women with corn rows.  OK, I'm used to seeing that kind of shit.  Then an American man with three young Russian women.  The man's obviously a creep, I can tell.  He's being obnoxious in Ross picking out clothes for the Russians.  Then Asians.  Then white gangsters.  Then foreigners.  There were some more normal people thrown in there.  So diverse. 

I finally bought a bottle of Skinny Girl Margarita.  It's pretty good, stronger then I had expected.  Monday night was interesting, it was entertaining.  We watched Dave and his friend pull a stump out of their yard with a truck and a big rope.  It was exciting.  Mikki was cheering, "Go Stump!!"  I was embarrassed. 

Anyway, yesterday I drove back to PA.  It's dumb that I'm in PA today because it's so nice out I wish I was at the beach.  Instead, I'll lay out in my backyard.  Tomorrow I'm going back to Cape May and I'll be there for the summer.  I'll be back in June for a week though, I'm having mouth surgery if anyone cares.  I went out to eat with my mom last night, I don't fit in in PA.  I look around and every one's either Mennonite with a long denim skirt on, or white trash.  I'm not kidding.  I'm not saying I'm better than them, just better looking.  I was five miles from my house and you would have thought we were in West Virginia.  It's just a different way of life out here, I need to live in a city I think. 

I assume everyone has seen that website of pictures entitled, "People of Wal-Mart."  If you haven't go look at it, it's pretty funny.  My mom's friend e-mailed her some other website, "Worse Than People of Wal-Mart."  This picture has got to be fake. 

Sweet heart, it is your grandmother's funeral (or maybe your aunt or someone close to you).  It is not the time or place to take your next Myspace profile picture.  The peace sign really gets me, I understand if maybe you wanted a last picture together.  I actually don't even really understand that because why would you want to remember whoever that is in their casket.  Anyway, homeboy really took a picture like this and I assume put it on some social networking site, my guess is Myspace, because it is now all over the Internet.  How do you think your loved one feels about you now?  Maybe proud?  But probably mortified for you and for her self because dead is not the best look for her.  R.I.P.

Bye for now!   

I Like The Love Yous Have.......

Hello readers!  Today I am writing about a special couple in my life, my new roomies, Courtney and Dave.  I stumbled upon a quote the other day that reminded me so much of them.  "Love is measured in the amount of times your significant other shakes their head at you."  Guess who shakes their head more?  Courtney or Dave?  Dave (at least when I'm around) not in a mean or mad way more like in a, "I can't believe that just happened" way.  It's like Dave's saying, "I can't believe Courtney's so funny!"  Or "I can't believe Courtney is so beautiful!"  I can't believe either of those two things either.  I observe them from a psychological point of view and I believe that their communication is very well developed.  I hardly see them fight, I can't even imagine Dave getting mad at Courtney.  For example, one time Courtney left her laptop cord in front of the door way, obviously someone is going to trip over that, obviously it was Dave right after he woke up.  He tripped over it and said, "Why's this cord here?"  And then guess what?  He laughed.  I was shocked, I thought he was going to be so mad.  I actually don't know why I thought he was going to be pissed but I really did.  I think that incident occurred in the first few days I really met him.  So basically, Courtney tripped him and he laughed.  I'm looking for a word to describe Dave, I think it might be attentive?  I think he is very attentive (?) to Courtney.  I can't think of an example of that but I can think of something else that Dave did that was nice.  One time me, Mikki and Courtney were watching some stupid show that was not that important while Nascar was on.  Dave asked for the remote so I figured we were going to watch Nascar instead of our show.  I wasn't mad or anything it's Dave's house after all.  But guess what?  He recorded Nascar and we went on watching our show.  WOW!  What a stand up guy, can I just tell you that if that was someone else that I know we would all be watching his show and if God forbid we weren't everyone in the room would know how pissed he was.  I'm beginning to wonder who I like more Courtney or Dave?  This blog is all about Dave so far.  Let me think of something nice Courtney did.  Oh I know.  One time we were at our local hang out, the liquor store, and we were buying beer and vodka of course.  We wanted bottles but Courtney said, "Dave likes cans, I'll buy him his own case of cans."  That is love.  Courtney makes Dave dinner and delivers it to him, that's nice of her, but that is all apart of a woman's duty (I'm totally kidding).  But seriously, that is very nice of her.  I just stumbled upon another quote that reminds me of them!

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." -Dr. Seuss.  I'm not saying they are complete weirdos, I'm just saying that they're a little weird (a good weird).  This quote scares me because I know I'm very weird and to find someone equally as weird as I am and to fall in mutual weirdness with them is a scary thought, because that person has to be a fucking whack-job.  Any who, I bought Courtney and Dave a house warming gift today!  It took me forever to pick out, I was set on a Buddha but then I thought, "Wow Lauren that's pretty selfish just because you collect Buddhas doesn't mean everyone does!"  In order to have a collection you must have three of the item you plan on collecting, just if anyone was unsure!

See I was just going to go into some real deep, emotional shit until my blog almost went viral a second ago.  I love my blog, I do and it means a lot to me that people want to read it but I'm not ready for all the attention it's going to get.  Say I put my blog link on my facebook, don't you know that everyone at my small ass school would be hating on it.  I know that it would get out all around school and I do not want people asking me about my blog.  Not to mention, I have family on facebook!  What would they think if they read the shit I write?  I am not sure what they would think, probably just that I am funny. 

Shout out to my new reader, Reaghan E. Daily.  Hopefully when you read my blog you'll get a sense of humor, but let's be real probably not.  Maybe next week I'll write a blog on our 18 year long friendship!  How the hell have you been friends with me for so long?  I don't know, maybe because I'm so awesome and funny and don't forget pretty.  When I'm famous I promise I won't forget my best friend Reaghan, I'll allow her to be my assistant.  Tomorrow's jump-off Friday!!  Bye for now!

P.S.  Here's a picture of Reaghan

This bitch is wild, she gives me a run for my money.  Just kidding, absolutely not, she can't even drink three beers out at a bar.

Karma Is A Bigger Bitch Then I'll Ever Be........

Hello all!  I can't believe I blogged at my college graduation!  WOW!  That's extreme blogging, it should be a sport.  I was going to blog last night but I fell asleep early.  It was throwback Tuesday, so I'll just pretend like it's Tuesday today.  Actually no I'm not doing a throwback I'm doing something better.  First of all, I am not making fun of fat people in my blog.  I just want everyone to know that.  I just miss MTV's show Fat Camp that's all.  Courtney reminded me of how good it was this weekend, and it has been on my mind for two days now.  I miss Dianne from Fat Camp.  I'm not going to dance around it either, I want to know where she is today.  For any of you who don't know what I'm talking about just wait, I'll find a video momentarily.  In all seriousness, I am not making fun of fat people.  Weight issues are not funny.  Dianne could be the prettiest, skinniest girl ever and I would still think she was hilarious, I'm so serious.  I watched this episode probably about 10 times and hysterically laughed at every single viewing.  I feel like this blog is too mean to post, but I really want to do it anyway.

This video is sad, yet funny.  It's a shame that she has terrible social skills and it's a shame that the other girls attending fat camp need to make fun of her.  If you were at fat camp would you really make fun of someone else's weight?  You're all at fat camp, pretty sure you're all in the same boat.  I like how her roommate "apologized."  Saying, "I'm sorry your towel fell off."  Is not an apology!  I really like how the counselor stripped in front of the whole cabin.  I wonder if she regretted that, I think it was unnecessary.  I applaud Dianne for losing the weight that she did despite all of her "bitchy-ass roommates."  Dianne really showed them though, not showering for three whole days!  That's how I usually get back at my roommates if I'm mad at them.  At least she likes Lynyrd Skynyrd, there's a bright side to everything.  I see a little bit of myself in Dianne.  For example, when someone asks her, "Are you from Alabama?"  Dianne says, "No, HA!"  That's something I would say, I don't know that I would ever be head banging to the point of perspiration though. 

I hope I didn't cross the line with that.  If I did, I apologize I tried to get an outside opinion about it, but she hasn't answered me.  In other news, after graduation I went to Courtney's.  All of our roommates went there except Kellianne, she had to get up early the next day because she went to Las Vegas!  I'm beyond jealous.  Courtney's party was fun, the sleeping situation was not.  Four people on an air mattress, never again, at least Milly is small.  The next day me, Courtney, and Mikki got tattoos.  Leanne got her tragus pierced and Mechmann (I don't know if I've mentioned her in any blogs yet, but her name's Lauren too that's why I call her Mechmann) tried to get her cartilage pierced.  I got Karma tattooed on my ribs (that explains the title of my blog).  Mikki got, "Always toward better things..." on her ribs and Courtney got two Sagittarius symbols on her foot.  This is my fifth tattoo, I say that I am so done with tattoos but I'm probably not, they're addicting.  It really hurt, I was holding Mechmann's hand and I probably almost broke it.  My most painful tattoo was my tramp stamp, I seriously don't know how I sat through that.  It took almost an hour, if you're wondering what it is, it's a Princess Celtic cross because I'm a princess, obviously.  I don't really consider it a tramp stamp, and if you do, so be it.  I don't care I love all of my tattoos.

I will now share a picture from graduation with all of you (most of you are probably in the picture). 

From left to right: Kellianne, ME, Mikki, Lan Lan M. (babygirl), Courtney, Alice, Mechmann (Lauren Mechmann).  This is actually not from graduation, it's from mass which was the night before.  Why am I always a giant?  I don't know I guess cause I often have heels on when being photographed (i.e. at a bar or an event such as graduation).  I wear heels to a bar, look around, and see that every guy is shorter than me.  Oh well, heels elongate the leg and make me look skinnier.  I might do something wild, and blog twice in one day.  I don't know if my readers can handle it though so I'll have to think about it.  Bye for now! 

She Graduated, Yea She College Educated

Breaking mews: I'm at graduation!!! I woke up still drunk and I smell like alcohol. I have to go some girl I've never seen before is giving a speech! Bye for now!

Do Something Extraordinary.....

Hello readers!  I'm sorry I couldn't blog last night, blogger was down all night and this morning, I hope everyone could get through their day without my blog.  So as you can see this blog is entitled, "Do Something Extraordinary."  That's my school's slogan.  I've been doing extraordinary things for four years now and I graduate on Sunday!  It's pretty exciting, I feel like my life is moving way too fast.  Before I know it summer's going to be over and it's going to be Christmas and then before I know it I'll be 30.  Wow..I'm really getting ahead of myself.  I will now share with you a memorable moment I've had while studying at Cabrini.  This happened approximately two weeks ago, Mikki and I were in the most boring class we've had in four years.  This is not an exaggeration by any means, our professor, God bless his elderly heart is probably the smartest man I know, but so boring.  He provides no visual aides, he just talks on and on and on.  You get the picture Mikki and I are bored to tears and it's the last week of classes.  We're doing some bullshit take home exam in class when we should be paying attention.  We're scouring the page for the answer (he gives us the test and what page to find each answer, what am I learning by doing this?)  when I see the answer!  The answer is, "thinking."  I whisper to Mikki, "thinking."  She looks at me and smiles.  I say it again, "thinking."  She nods.  I say it one more time, "thinking."  She says, "So what's the answer?"  I say, "The answer is thinking."  She starts hysterically laughing, I didn't know what she was laughing at at first but the sight of her laughing in class makes me laugh.  If you know me then you know that when something is funny I cannot hold it in, I have to laugh and it takes me a while to compose my self.  So she says, "I thought you were telling me you were still thinking about the question."  This makes us laugh so hard that we're crying in class.  I understand that this is so rude and disrespectful.  This display of jackassery confirms in all of our classmates minds that we are total bitches, I'm sure that they all thought it before, but now it's a fact.  Our professor would never, ever call us out on laughing in class, and thank the good Lord for that because if he did I would have crawled under the desk, still hysterically laughing and died.  To make matters worse he asks our class a question that absolutely no one knows the answer to.  Ninety-nine percent of our class is on their cell phones, literally no one is listening.  Our professor knows that no one knows the answer to his question so of course instead of just telling us the useless answer he gives us hints.  He says, "Starts with an L!"  Everyone avoids eye contact with him.  He says, "Ends in a D!"  No one answers.  I don't even know the fucking answer to the question, I actually don't even know the question being asked.  I'm just focusing on avoiding looking at Mikki's dumb face and trying to compose myself.  Then God answered our prayers and our professor says, "I think we could use a two minute break."  Yes we could!  Mikki and I go to the bathroom, I go in a stall she waits outside of the stall.  I go to the bathroom and try to get out of the stall.  The stall is stuck, I can not even talk, I am laughing so hard I'm crying.  I'm praying Mikki's still in the bathroom because I don't know how I'm going to get out, I can't even form words.  I compose myself enough to say, "Mikki, I'm stuck!"  She comes to the outside of the stall, hears me laughing and starts cracking up.  Mikki says, "OK, you pull and I'll push."  Finally, I am broken out of my stall.  Side note:  there was a girl in our class in the bathroom and she did not find it funny.  She even gave us a dirty look when we got back into class!  Why can't people just laugh when something's funny?  Oh, jealousy.  We leave the bathroom and Mikki says, "Lauren, get away from me, I cannot look at you right now.  Just when I thought we could stop laughing, you had to get yourself stuck in the bathroom stall."  This makes me laugh even more, but I try to give Mikki her time and space.  Surprisingly the rest of the class I only laugh a couple of times.  Of all days of course the girl who absolutely cannot pronounce one word in the English language has to present her chapter to our class.  This makes me laugh, because she is literally mumbling every word because she doesn't know how to say them!  Good thing Mikki doesn't see me laughing or it would have been a catastrophe all over again.  That story was so college, and I am sadly not college anymore. 

This is probably what we looked like in class, hopefully I looked a little better.  But in all honesty that class was on a Friday and I was probably hung over so I most likely looked 10 times worse. 

It's also jump-off Friday!  I have so many videos that I want to post.  But I chose the one that is most relevant to my current life situation. 

This isn't my jump off but listen to the lyrics, and you'll see how it relates to me (except I don't smoke). 

Here's an interesting story, today Kellianne (one of my 1,000 roommates) and I got spray tans.  First of all, Kel's an idiot and does not know her towns in Pennsylvania, like I do.  I tell her how to get to this tanning salon, she tells me I'm wrong and goes the wrong way.  We go to the wrong tanning salon, then I tell her she's wrong and we go back the way I told her to go, to make a long story short, I'm smart, she's dumb, we're 15 minutes late to her appointment.  So we get there I walk in and realize that the owner of this tanning salon almost hired me for a job two years ago, she even called me in for two interviews to work at her tanning salon.  Seriously?  Two interviews?  Come on this isn't Wall Street it's a tanning salon.  Luckily she doesn't recognize me.  Kel gets her spray tan first then I go.  You have to take your clothes off, except your underwear and stand in front of this lady and let her spray you.  It's kind of awkward at first, but I just try to keep the conversation rolling.  So she gets to my boobs and says, "So about your breasts."  I'm like, "Yea, what about them?"  I didn't know where she was going with this.  She's like, "So do you want the underneath tanned too?"  I'm thinking well no one's going to see that but I'm paying for my whole body might as well get my whole entire body!  I'm like, "Yea might as well!"  So she instructs me on how to hold them up.  She's examining my boobs and is like, "I just have to look at them, you know every breast is different."  Totally.  That was kind of an interesting experience, but now I can't shower until tomorrow and I feel absolutely so disgusting.  I might not blog until Monday, since tomorrow I have to go to Mass and Sunday is graduation.  Stay tuned!  Bye for now!

When I'm Good I'm Very Good, But When I'm Bad I'm Better...

Hello all, life was good today!  This girl I work with told me that I am always so positive, I never really thought I was before.  I mean I never thought that I was pessimistic I just never thought that I was optimistic either.  Well, I am now a self-proclaimed optimistic person!  Once again today was pretty boring for me.  I walked down to the mechanic to pick up my car, it needed to be inspected.  I need back tires if anyone cares.  So I'm enroute to the mechanic when I see my African American neighbors are having a get together at 10:00 AM on their front lawn and in the street.  Why at 10:00 AM?  I don't know but my Mom suspects it was a funeral, so I kind of feel bad, R.I.P.  Why in their front lawn and in the street?  I don't fucking know because they do have a back yard.  Their kids have always played in the street, God knows why because once again they have a yard.  Anyway I see that they are having a party and I feel awkward walking by, should I wave?  Should I stop and chat?  Absolutley not, I should call someone on the phone and if noone answers I should pretend to talk to someone on the phone.  I called Mikki, of course she answered she has no life.  I just want all of my readers to know that I would have felt awkward if my neighbors were white or any other race, not just because they were black did I feel awkward.  I get to the mechanic, pick up my car and go home.  Then I go to the gym, I was such a slacker at the gym today it was bad, but I don't care.  I'll get back into working out at the start of summer.  Then I'm on my way home from the gym and Courtney finally calls me.  We chat about interesting topics in our lives and other people's lives then I get back to my house.  I see that my Aunt and Uncle sent me a card, I know that there has got to be some serious green in this card they sent me for graduation.  So I rip that open and take the check straight to the bank!  You know what they say, "Mo Money, Mo Problems."  This is where I will tell you the big problem of today....I let temptation get the best of me and I....went to McDonald's.  I know, I know I shouldn't have, it was wrong, I'm embarrassed.  Especially right from the gym, come on bro get it together!  Oh well, I still look half way decent in a baithing suit.  I know this because after I got home and ate my McDonald's I layed out for two hours.  I am sunburnt.  I am burnt with white hair (my hair is so blonde it's white, if you haven't seen me in a while).  To say the least, I look like white trash.  Just in time for graduation!

Yesterday on the Today show they were discussing this baby doll that teaches little girls how to breast feed.  I really do not know my opinion on this doll.  It teaches young girls nurturing I guess and breast feeding is one of the most natural things in the world but....I don't know, seems just a little strange.  What do I do if my daughter wants this doll?  I'll probably buy it for her.  What do I do if my son wants this doll?  I'll probably buy it for him too.  I am not molded by societies gender stereotyping.  That's what one of my professors told me to do anyway.  Don't just buy the feminine toys for girls and don't just buy the masculine toys for boys.  Whatever, I don't need to be thinking about this right now. 

Yesterday I was talking to my friend and she says to me, "There's this diet pill that some girl I work with takes, it works and it's FDA approved, I'll find out the name and get it for you."  Thank  you?

In my blog from yesterday I said that I had a specific topic that I was going to blog about today, but I forget what it was.  I'm going to post some pictures of myself for you all to look at. 

 Here's me in Greece

 Here's Courtney, Me and Mikki.  I think I look like a porn star and I like it.

 Here's Mikki and I out on St. Patty's Day....our friendship hit a rocky spot this night but that didn't last long.  (You called?  Mikki's going to be the only one who gets this but that's OK because she's probably my only avid reader).

Here's Jacky looking over the side of our boat, if this isn't the cutest picture you've ever seen then chances are, I don't like you.

There you go, enjoy the pictures!  I wonder if there's anyone out there reading my blog that doesn't know me.  If you are out there please email me I'd love to hear from you, I won't judge you for liking my blog I'll applaud you!  I'll first make sure you're not a registered sex offender but then after that we can probably be friends.  I just gave my self the chills, thinking about some creepy, old, greasy man in his basement reading my blogs looking at my pictures.  Great, now I'm going to have nightmares!  I'm scared.  Bye for now!

Never Settling For Just Mediocre...

Hello all, it's such a nice night tonight I wish I was out at an outside bar or something, instead of being at my parent's house blogging.  Today I've been thinking a lot about "settling."  Why do people settle for mediocre relationships?  I had this conversation with my Mom last night, I will never settle in a relationship, this empowers me! I feel like I could go climb a mountain.  Not really, but it does empower me to write Chelsea Handler and Bethenny Frankel about possible career opportunities.  I am a big fan of Bethenny, last night I was watching her show and she said something that surprised me.  She said that she did not think it was possible to have everything.  Everything meaning a husband, children and be successful to the degree that she wanted to be.  Why do people think like that?  I do not often think, "Oh, there's no way that I won't find someone, have a family and be successful."  I think that there is no other option.  Not that I am so ambitious with my career, God knows I'm not but I know that I will have some type of career and make the kind of money that I have always dreamt about.  That was deep...back to my ordinary life.

This just in:  I hear men's voices in my yard.  This scares me.  I live in a neighborhood but I don't live in South Philly I shouldn't be hearing voices.  I just realized what it is, it's my lesbian neighbor.  She's really nice, I think she has a new girlfriend over, that's probably the low voice I'm hearing.  Last summer my Mom and I went over to her house with our dogs and my Mom made the mistake of wearing cargo shorts.  As soon as we left my Mom was worried that because she had worn cargo shorts to a lesbian's house she would now think that my Mom was a lesbian and want to date her.  How conceited is that?

Today my day was pretty boring, I had nothing to do.  I should have went to the gym and returned stuff at the mall but I just didn't feel like it.  I cleaned my room though.  I also did something very heroic, I killed a bee (what is that other name for bees that sting? Yellow Jackets?) either way this was a bee that stung.  Being that Pugs are highly allergic to bee stings I had to kill this bee.  I had to first stand on a chair, then I had to then stand on my counter top, then I had to reach up high into the ceiling window (Is that what those things are called?  It's like a window in the ceiling.  I'm really drawing a blank on necessary vocabulary words for this blog).  Anyway, I almost got stung but don't worry I didn't and I killed it.  I almost forgot, today I thought I got a concussion.  I was vacuuming under my bed, that sounds weird I wonder if other people vacuum under their beds?  It's not really necessary to do.  Anyway the vacuum fell on the back of my head really hard.  I got scared for a second, but I think I'm good now. 

I almost forgot (maybe I do have a concussion?)  It's throwback Tuesday!!  A week ago today I was out at a bar for my birthday.  I was being such a brat on my birthday.  I was so hot and so not drunk to the degree that was necessary.  I think I can't get drunk at bars anymore because of the way I drink when I'm at Courtney's house.  Maybe this is called alcoholism?  Either way it's still throwback Tuesday! 

If you weren't down with Ruff Ryders, I can't be down with you.  This was my jumpoff, I literally thought I was straight outta Compton when I was in middle school and parts of elementary.  I had all different color Timberlands all different color high top Keds.  I wore bandanas around my head, I made my best friend Reaghan do twisties in my hair, of course I had atleast three pairs of Air Forces.  My Dad literally drove Reaghan and I to Baltimore because everywhere around us was sold out of Air Force Ones.  We were OG's.  We thought we were anyway, we live in the suburbs.  Where we went to school wasn't exactly the best area but we are by no means poor or have faced any hardships in our lives.  It's just funny how we acted so "ghetto" and the people really living in the ghettos or the projects just want to get out. 

This blog is pretty long, something else that happened to me today was I almost crashed my parent's car.  I was going to Walmart which is literally three minutes from my house, and there was a stink bug in the car!  It touched my arm!  Then it went on the back of the seat behind me and I thought it was going to crawl down my pants!  I was swerving all over the road, I almost ran right up over the median.  It was so scary, I sped to Walmart and jumped out of the car, it was one of the scariest things that's every happened to me.  I'm glad I overcame it, if I can overcome that I can do anything.  Here's a question for my readers, where did stink bugs come from?  My Dad told me the Japanese brought them over, is this true? 

Now I hear a cat fight outside.  What the hell?  Maybe I am living in the ghetto?  Courtney, if you are reading this, I highly doubt that you are but if you are you told me you would call me about oh I don't know four hours ago.  Not a big deal, I've just been sitting by the phone all night.  If you have a good reason as to why you didn't call me I apologize, now I feel bad because what if something happened.  I am cursed with the most guilty conscious, that is the absolute truth.  Once I dropped a reciept on the ground and didn't pick it up, I thought about how I littered for a week.  I am not kidding, I have such a guilty conscious. I have a special topic picked out for tomorrow!  Stay tuned.  Bye for now.

If You Want To Be Happy....Be.

Hello all, there's an inspirational quote for you.  I told three people that quote today, I think it had a pretty big impact on atleast two of them, the third one was a dog.  I almost couldn't blog tonight, I was just too mad.  Here's the story, I bought a bag of goldfish today (anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE goldfish) and I was just looking for them and I could not find them anywhere.  I looked high, I looked low, I hate to admit it...but I even looked in the trash.  Then I came to the conclusion that my mom threw them away because she does not agree with my goldfish addiction.  I had come to terms without eating goldfish tonight because I said to myself, "Lauren do you know how many people are starving in this world?  And more importantly, baithing suit season is approaching!"  Then I come into my computer room to blog and guess what?  You guessed it my goldfish were sitting right next to the computer.  So today, I went to the dentist to talk about my teeth.  My teeth look like shit.  If you know me well you know that this is a big problem in my life, I am very self-conscious about them, always have been.  Anywho I'm fixing this problem soon.  Stay tuned for more about my new teeth.  I just thought something...if people do not know what I look like when reading my blog they will now think I am ugly, I'm not, I'm just shallow. 

So someone told me today I have a southern draw.  No.

Here's something interesting for all of my South Jersey readers (all three of you) I, Lauren Burford am pictured in the Exit Zero.  I know, I look good in my Beach House uniform.  I've been getting calls from People, US Weekly, and Vogue all day about doing some more modeling work for them.  There's actually paparazzi camped outside of my house right now.   

For all of you dog lovers out there here's some news, dogs can contract neurological degenerative diseases.  My mom informed me of this today, since she now knows this she is convinced that my dog, Jack Alejandro has Alzheimer's.  If this is in fact true, there is medication for it.  I also just read that dogs with flatter faces tend to have shorter life spans.  Great!  My dog's practically dead.  I have tears in my eyes now. 

Moving right along, since I've had nothing to do all evening I've been on StumbleUpon.  Do you know how many wedding things I've stumbled across?  A lot.  I have so many ideas now for my wedding.  For example, tonight I've picked out my first dance song, the shoes I will wear, the hanger I want my dress to hang from, I am still deciding on the kind of guest book I want, and I have made a decision on a cake topper.  See I have all of this stuff planned out, but if I've learned anything about life it is that, "Life does not care about your plans."  Ain't that the truth!  In all honesty, I'll probably be hammered in Vegas and marry someone.  Oh well, that's life.

I am going to leave all of my readers with this question.  Why are all Dunkin Donuts run and or owner by Indians?  In all seriousness, why?  I am just wondering.  I have nothing against Indians, I love the way they make my lattes.  I feel as if this is a nation wide occurrence, I was in Tennessee at a Dunkin Donuts and low and behold Indians were running it.  I thought about this for a good two hours today, I wish I was kidding, sadly I am not.  Now I am going to watch a movie with Jack, hopefully he remembers who I am when I go back into my room, I don't know what stage his Alzheimer's is at yet.  Bye for now!

P.S.  I just thought of the funniest thing that's happened to me all day.  I was watching Wheel of Fortune today and it's college week so a lot of the puzzles relate to the "college experience."  So I looked at the puzzle, solved it immediately and waited for the imbecile contestants to solve it too.  The answer was, "Late-Night Cram Session."  That's so college.  So Pat says to these contestants not once but twice, "think college."  I'm literally talking to my T.V. saying are you kidding me?  You can't solve this?  The male contestant then screams out, literally screams, "Late-Night Scram Session!"  Scram?  Really?  I am so embarrassed for him.  I literally died laughing and so did my Dad.  I couldn't stop saying, "Late-Night Scram Session!!!"  all night. 

Every Saint Has a Past and Every Sinner Has a Future

I am tired of blogging. Sorry all I'm sure I'll get back into it by tomorrow though. Stay tuned. Bye for now.

It's Throw back Tuesday!!

Hello readers..sorry I haven't blogged in a while.  I've been so busy with life, I've had no time to blog!  Here's some things that have been going on in my life...I have a job down the shore!  It's official I am now a "slocal" (summer local/slut summer local, if the shoe fits, wear it).  I am waitressing at a restaurant in Cape May, it's right on the beach.  Another thing that has been going on in my life is finishing college.  Today, I had to present this poster that I literally slaved over to three professors of mine.  I presented it and my professors asked me various questions, that they had to keep dumbing down for me, they literally had to put them in retard terms for me to understand the questions...and I still didn't understand.  So basically I got a D+ on this poster.  Great!!  This poster took me hours and hours to do...a D+ seriously?  Seriously.  Oh well, if there's one thing I learned about college it's just keep drinking!! That's what I plan on doing tonight.  Tomorrow is my 22nd birthday, so tonight I'm going out with my roommates.  I need an adult beverage ASAP.  So back to what's important in my blog today..a throwback...

You can't tell me this wasn't your jam in 99'.  My friend Reaghan and I used to do a duet to this song.  Maybe someday we'll come out with a mix tape.  Bye for now!

Another Friday....Another Handle....

Hello all guess what today is...yep!  It's jumpoff Friday, this Friday it's more like jumpoff a bridge Friday for me.  I am broke.  I will still share my jumpoff song for the freakin weekend though.  Here it is...

 This weekend I am in the beautiful town of Cape May with my beautiful roommate, Courtney.  Mikki's here too and Alice (our other roommate) is coming over to party with us.  We currently have a case of beer and a handle of vodka, of course.  Tomorrow I am going to find a job!  This computer is dying so I better go!  Sorry so short!

Bye for now!!



.

Sore Losers....

Hello readers..just another boring night in with my roommates.  I am annoyed right now because of Mikki, the most annoying roommate ever.  First of all she acts like she wants to go out tonight then bails.  Second of all she invites me to play Wheel of Fortune on her itouch with her and then when I beat her in two consecutive games she says I can't play with her anymore because she keeps losing.  Can you believe that?  She invites me to play then takes it away from me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am the champion of Wheel of Fortune, I've applied at least a dozen times to be on the show.  She is well aware of just how good I am at Wheel of Fortune and still challenges me, so I had to shut her down.  This just in:  Mikki just asked me for help with her game!  I am a better friend than her so I helped her and she didn't even say thank you.  The girl has no manners.  Mikki is fun to make fun of but no fun to play with, let this be a lesson to all.  I am so irritated right now I can only say one more sentence.  I guess I know who my real friends are. 

Here's Me and Mikki when we used to be friends.

Bye for now....

Things To Give Up...

Hello all today I am in the library of my school and my facebook account is temporarily down which makes this time extremely boring.  I figured I would go on my next favorite website, stumbleupon.  I was stumbling all over the place when I found this website with interesting ideas.  For example, there's lists that can help you through life, like 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind or 50 Things You Need To Give Up Today.  I am on the giving up list.  I have committed to giving some things up today after reading this list, don't worry it's not alcohol.
Today I am giving up:
1. Dwelling on the past and worrying too much about the future. I am guilty of dwelling on the past too much, I often wonder if I made the right decisions about things.  I go over every decision I've made over and over in my head, it's a curse sometimes but a blessing other times. 
2. Give up holding grudges.  I hold grudges, I will admit it.  I just cannot seem to get over some things and I let them get to me every day.  Stupid things too, like say one of my friends saw my pillow on the ground in their drive way.  I obviously dropped my pillow schlepping all my stuff into her house that she couldn't possibly help me with.  She sees my pillow there and does not let me know that it's outside on the filthy ground until an hour later, I will never get over this and it is so stupid.  Maybe today is the today when I forgive her.
3. Give up habits that are foolish.  TEXTING AND DRIVING LAUREN!  I can't seem to separate my blackberry from my hand at all.  Sooner or later I'm not going to have a hand anymore just a blackberry.  It's horrible that I text and drive, I know I really do and it is so dangerous.  Texting and driving is behind me from today on!
4. Give up relationships with people who bring you down.  I can't even elaborate on this, just going to leave it at that.
5. Give up thinking about the things you don't have.  I always do this, I should appreciate all of the things I do have because I know some people are not as lucky as I am. 
So there's five things I am giving up today, hopefully these five things will make me a better person.

Last night, me and three of my roommates had the most intense/scary/soft porn photoshoot ever.  Courtney is going to be a photographer I'm pretty sure and she's in photography classes at school so we are sometimes her models (me mostly because I'm so stunning).  So anyway, Lan Lan just had to take this photoshoot to the next level, of course she has to take all of her clothes off and put a  belt around her boobs, typical.  I'm overexaggerating, she had underwear on, heels, and the belt.  This was very entertaining and very time consuming.  Courtney took some really beautiful pictures of me and my tattoos.  Here's just a little sample of me and my tattoo on my ribs.

I look good right?  I know I do.

Today guess what I woke up to, besides my roommate screaming at the other one and then dropping her mirror to make a huge ruckus.  Yep you guessed it construction men jack hammering at 6 AM!  If there's one sound I love to wake up to it's most definitely jack hammers!  Anyway it's raining and I have to go sit through a two hour class.  Oh well, we still have electricity don't worry! 

Bye for now!

Celebrities

Today I am annoyed with celebrities, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez to be exact.  Since when is it appropriate for a 16 year old and an 18 year old to go on vacation together? 

This is an old picture, I know I'm sure that everyone has already seen it and formed their opinions on this issue.  I just want to indulge in it further because it annoys me.  Maybe I'm just jealous that I do not have a celebrity boyfriend (or any boyfriend for that matter) to take me on beautiful vacations.  I'm not saying I do not like either of these celebrities I do not know this Selena Gomez character and Justin Bieber I am a fan of I think he has a lot of ambition.  He is becoming quite the badass though, he flipped off photographers after leaving his 17th birthday dinner.  But in all seriousness, vacation? Alone? Unsupervised?  Inappropriate.  This is really none of my business I guess and I shouldn't even waste my time blogging about it but I am going to.  I just read that the couple spent two nights in the $6,000 a night Presidential Suite in St. Regis Monarch Beach hotel in Dana Point, California.  They even had their own private balcony.  It's just not appropriate behavior for teenagers to be going on vacations together, that's how I feel. 

Now moving onto to the one and only, Miley Cyrus.  The fact that on aol.com one of the top stories is Miley is returning to Twitter, is really sad.  That needs to be breaking news, seriously?  She left twitter in 2009 saying that it interfered with her personal life.  If Miley's return to Twitter is big news my blog needs to be the top story on World News Tonight because my blog is ten times better then anything Miley could ever tweet about.  No disrespect to Miley, I like the fact that you play with drugs and then make fun of yourself, your creepy father and Justin Bieber on Saturday Night Live.

Whatever.

Now moving onto this new show on Bravo, Pregnant In Heels.  OK, so this maternity clothes designer helps rich women who are having babies.  This couple seriously had a focus group to decide their babies name, come on people just pick a fucking name that you both can agree on. They had a focus group then narrowed down the name choices to three then had a dinner with their friends to then pick a name.  However, in the end they didn't even pick the name that their friends liked.  So stupid.  Then this other couple did not want their nursery to look like a nursery.  Umm...what?  It's a nursery for your baby, make it look like it.  They had to have all the babies toys match their precious apartment, no bright colors.  No bright colors?  That's got to be a joke, bright colors stimulate a baby, babies like bright colors.  These people are so selfish, not to mention idiots and should not reproduce.  This really got me heated for a moment, let me collect myself.

So that is what's on my mind today.  In other news it was 85 degrees in the beautiful city of Philadelphia today.  Naturally me, Mikki, Kellianne and Chris rolled down to the basketball courts, to just straight ball out.  But the best news of today is we still have electricity! 

Bye for now!

It's 2:00 AM?

Hello friends I know I was supposed to do Snapshot Saturday yesterday or today but thats being postponed until next week because I have other stories to share.  I am writing today from my bed its 5:00 at night and I think I just became hungover.  I'm not sure though.  Anyway yesterday was Riverpalooza in Manayunk which means I started drinking at 11:00 AM.  I was at my house by my self waiting for Kellianne and Chris to drink with me when I just said fuck it I'm taking jello shots.  I downed eight jello shots and was feeling alright.  They finally arrive and we go to the train station and get to Manayunk.  We get into Riverpalooza and a can of Bud Light is four dollars, we drink two and then we realize we need to drink somewhere else because the prices are ridiculous.  Chris calls his friend and we go there to drink and we also find our friend Ashton in line and she comes with us.  We hiked up a mountain to get to this kids house I was drenched in sweat by the time we got there.  We finally get there and I'm obsessed with his house it's nice and has a garage in Manayunk which is crucial and their rent is not even that high.  Anyway we're pounding Nattys like its our job for a couple of hours then we decide we need to go back to Riverpalooza.  Side note:  one of Chris's friends brings over his flavor of the week and I almost died when I saw her hair, it was so big and curly I was scared.  So we're back at Riverpalooza this is 5:00 and I'm drunk, were doing shots for discounted prices cause someone knew the bartender, bangin.  It's apparently packed, I barely remember this.  This is the point where I black out for a couple of hours.  However, I do remember taking a shot and throwing up three times into my cup, hopefully I did not drink my own throw up I can't make any promises though.  So Chris and Kellianne had box seats to the Flyers game, they leave Riverpalooza to go there and I stayed with his friends and Ashton, except Ashton left too I don't know when though.  I don't remember this but we went back to Chris's friends house, this is when things get really fuzzy for me.  I do semi remember kissing Chris's friend, he had a hat on, I'm a sucker for a hat.  Apparently I interviewed the kid for an hour, I'm embarrassed.  I also apparently asked him how many girls he's had in his room this week.  Why? I don't know.  I don't care if he had twenty girls in his room the night before, I am so embarrassed.  This guy thinks I'm crazy and I'm so not.  He then hands me his business card, who does that?  An investment adviser representative, that's who.  I hung out with these kids for hours, like I know them.  Oh well atleast it was fun, so we go back down to Riverpalooza and Kel and Chris get back.  I couldn't get over that they ever left I think I asked them five times if they went to the Flyers game yet.  I am raging/dancing so hard that I'm drenched in sweat and have to go outside to get some air.  People are cleaning the cans up outside and I'm wondering why because I was pretty sure that it was only 8:00 at night, but it was 2:00 AM.  I am so mad when I realize we have to leave, I love to rage.  So then we're back at this kids house and I proclaim that I CANNOT sleep in jeans.  I go upstairs find what I thought were shorts in reality it was a polo that I wore as shorts with my legs through the sleeves.  Drunk Lauren is creative, I'm a left brain what can I say.  I wake up dazed and confused and still drunk.  We get on the train and finally get home.  I shower because my feet were literally black, apparently I was walking around in a tar pit last night.  Then I go to sleep for three hours.  I wake up and read my texts from last night and I realized I drunk dialed my Mommom last night.  I need to get a solid grip on life.  A very smart man told me today that I need to re-evaluate my lifestyle.  I agree to disagree with that statement, I'm only young once. 

Here's me and Ashton at Riverpalooza, I'm hammered.

While I was asleep today I had a dream that I had a daughter, she was so cute.  I wonder what that means?  Am I pregnant?  Maybe.  TBA.  I just skyped with Mikki and Courtney, we've been apart for too long I miss them.  I am really hitting rock bottom, tomorrow at 8:00 AM our electric will be shut off this is depressing.  Oh well, the beat goes on.

Bye for now!

It's Friday Friday.....Jump Off Friday

Yes I just quoted the song bird of our generation, Rebecca Black.  It's Friday!  This Friday night I am going to sleep at my Mommom's house because she just had surgery on her foot.  See readers I'm not a complete bitch, I'm actually a really nice girl.  Anyway you guys guessed it it's Jump Off Friday you know what that means.  It's time for me to share with all of my readers my jump off song for the freakin weekend.  Here it is.

This week has yielded nothing too exciting for me.  I drank a great deal of wine on Tuesday night and on Wednesday night went out in Villanova.  My two roommates, Mikki and Kellianne and Kellianne's boyfriend Chris and his friends all went out in Villanova to celebrate their outstanding performance at pro day.  It was fun nothing exciting here's a picture of us chugging margaritas. 

I'm going to keep this blog short but sweet, because tomorrow is Riverpalooza at Mad River.  The jello shots are made.  I plan on waking up speeding to my house and drinking 11 jello shots at 10 AM.  I should have some good stories to blog about tomorrow.  Guess what tomorrow is?  You guessed it again, Snapshot Saturday (it might actually be postponed til Sunday though).  Stay tuned.

Bye for now.

How Are You Sweetie?

Hello friends sorry I've been neglecting my blog.  I just want to start off today by saying this whole Charlie Sheen phemonea is on my last nerve.  I do not find his drug addiction funny, and I do have a great sense of humor.  I do not find his stupid quotes humorous either.  He is obviously smart because the amount of money he's making on his idiotic life is ridiculous. 

Anyway back to me. 

That's me (with dark hair, horrible I know).

The rest of my weekend was crazy-cool-drunk of course.  Courtney pratically begged me to come to her house on Saturday.  I felt bad for the girl, she's pathetic.  So I go to Cape May and Courtney's not even at her house she's at her second home-the liquor store.  I'm hanging out in her house and finally she gets home and we go to her friend Katrina's house.  Katrina's house is the cutest house ever, Courtney was acting out all night because she's so jealous of Katrina's house.  So we go to this bar and start drinking heavily.  Courtney's mom comes to the bar and she is the life of the party, she's ten times cooler than Courtney.  She tries to stand on the table we're sitting at and Courtney doesn't even let her, she's such a square sometimes.  Let me just tell my readers what is inappropriate and what is appropriate to talk about at a bar: 
What is inappropriate: telling your friends that someone in your family just recently lost his testicles.
What is appropriate: telling your friends you're excited for your college graduation in four weeks.
So basically nothing else exciting happened Saturday night, we went back to Katrina's and went to sleep (well most of us went to sleep).


I wake up Sunday to a text from Mikki, "Wake up my little monster."  Ew.  We get up and go to breakfast where waves of nausea were continuely hitting me.  Go back to Courtney's and Mikki just has to come over thankfully I was asleep when she arrived.  Then guess what..Courtney and Mikki try to leave me and go get massages without me.  Good thing I woke up and tagged along, the massage place was closed though so instead we ate pizza at her grandparents house (fun fact: her grandparents are the Southern most residents in Cape May).  Then we go to the grocery store to get food to make for dinner, we also go to the liquor store and Big Lots.  At Big Lots we bought a ring toss game and water balloons, we like outdoor activities.  We get back to Courtney's and all fall asleep, then cook dinner and start drinking.  Courtney's two guy friends came over, Billy and Dave, this is where things get tricky because Courtney's fiance is also named Dave.  So Courtney makes us all dinner and we clean it all up and I take out the trash and the recycling (chivalry is dead).  Then we fill up the water balloons and plan our attack on the boys.  We ask them to build us a fire, though it was raining they still did it.  They were trying really hard, I felt bad for a second.  Then we snuck around the house with our water balloons and started firing.  Billy was holding a legit tree trying to lite it on fire when he realized we were throwing water balloons at him.  He charges at us with a tree in his hands, who does that?  And then he somehow got a water balloon and breaks it on Mikki's face, it was hilarious.  That's pretty much it for Sunday night, I wake up this morning and I was not sure if I could even move, I felt like I got ran over by approximately four cars.  Today in class I'm literally delirious and watching "Waiting For Superman."  It was a good movie, I reccommend it. 

I was told by a very influential man that everyone should have a quote to live by, today mine is: "Follow your heart but take your brain with you." 

Bye for now.

Many Things Are Weighing Heavy on My Mind Tonight....

Hello friends, I have some terrible news this is my final blog ever.  I figured I might as well quit while I'm ahead.  APRIL FOOLS!  I know all of my five readers just had a mild heart attack.  Do not worry I will never stop blogging, it's my new obsession and I believe it has some therapeutic benefits as well (not that I need therapy I'm not that crazy).  I have so much on my mind tonight.  First of all it's April Fools Day, second it was the Philadelphia Phillies home opener today, we won obviously.  Third, I do not have any good stories from last night out in Manayunk except the overload of guidos that were at Mad River.  Fourth, it's 11:30 on a Friday night and I'm blogging alone at my parent's house.  I could be doing something on this Friday, there's pretty much a line of men outside of my door just waiting to ask me out, I mean look at me.  But I decided I should stay in because I have a seven year old son that I've been neglecting. 

This is my son Jack Alejandro.  I know what you're thinking, the resemblance is uncanny.  We get that a lot believe me.

Anyway it's April Fools Day I really do not have that much to say about it but don't worry next week I will because I'm getting someone good.  Last night I was out at my spot (Mad River) and the clock struck 12:00 and you would have thought it was New Year's Eve the way I was screaming.  I've never been so excited for April Fools Day! 

On to the most important thing of the day: The Philadelphia Phillies.

"Over the next 6 months Philadelphia will be baseball central... The Phillies will get you through every small-talk situation in your life... On 81 afternoons & evenings, Citizens Bank Park will be the coolest place in the city to be." 

I stole this quote from some girls facebook status, but I really do love it.  It is the absolute truth.  If you are not from Philadelphia or Jersey (all of you are I'm pretty sure since I only have five readers) then you might not understand how big of a deal the Phillies are.  Everyone tailgates and gets absolutely hammered.  For my 21st birthday me and three of my friends went to the Phillies game, it was a shit show.  I cannot wait to be on broad street this October for the parade, after we win the world series.  I was watching the post-game show on T.V. and saw everyone coming out of the stadium I literally felt a feeling of depression.  I wish I was kidding about this but I'm so serious.

Here's a picture of me at the parade two years ago.  I flipped a car in South Philly right after they won, you probably heard about it in the news.

So the guidos at Mad River?  I was absolutely stone cold shocked when I walked in and saw the whole cast of Jersey Shore "dancing" at Mad River.  I can't believe grown men "dance" the way they do, have you ever seen guidos "dance?"  I thought I was in a twilight zone or having a seizure.  So these guidos invade Mad River and only approach the fat women in skirts that are too tight and way too short.  I mean I know guidos won't approach me first of all I'm blonde with green eyes not one thing about me looks Italian and second of all I'm way out of their league.  I'm not complaining about me not attracting guidos I am thanking the good Lord, because they are all toolbags.  So Mikki and I are jamming out to this band that was there, they were alright, I've had better but whatever and Mikki is trying so desperately to get on stage.  The lead singer was literally picking the sluttiest girls to get on stage.  The way these sluts were dancing in their skirts from Baby Gap was absolutely horrifying, I swear I saw some girls uterus.  I get it guys like sluts, but come on he should have picked Mikki to get on stage, so I could have laughed at her (she can't dance).  So its 2:00 AM and the lights come on and we're still raging, yes we're "those people" and proud of it.  We leave and go to the pizza place across the street and eat two pies, and somehow left a $20.00 tip, how do such things happen?  Foreigners, they act like they can't speak English and steal your money and then accuse you of being regulars.  Excuse me? Regulars?  I've been in your establishment a grand total of three times and I only remember one of the times.  Even if I was a regular why would I ever tip someone $20.00 on a $35.00 bill?  I'm being a little dramatic but this guy really scammed us.  We made a group decision to boycott this pizza place from now on!

This blog isn't as good as my other ones, I can't always produce fire.  I am only human.  This Friday night is pretty dull for me, I think I've been on StumbleUpon for five hours tonight (I'm assuming everyone knows what StumbleUpon is).  I just can't get enough.  I wish I had a better story from last night, I just couldn't seem to get drunk enough.  I could tell the story from Saint Patrick's Day but I'm still searching for my dignity, once I find it I will share that story with all of you!  Bye for now.

All my bitches love me...soundtrack to my life...

I can't wait until my blog goes viral so I can get paid for writing and eventually get my own television show.  I am the next Chelsea Handler, she became famous for being a slut and writing about it so why can't I?  So I have one new follower today and I got too excited for it.  I'm going to give a special shoutout to my new follower, you know who you are (Natalie).  Your blog is so articulate and mine is just me being a funny bitch, oh well.  Anyway my new follower did a soundtrack to her life, this inspired me to do one as well.  I'm not trying to pose off of my new follower I just really liked her idea, call me fake if you want to I really do not care. 

So this first song is my jumpoff.  This song comes on at a bar or at the gym and I stop and I make my own path and dougie right there on the floor.  I have no shame, I love to dougie.  I am also very good at dougieing and have taught many of my little monsters how to dougie.  For all of you who are not familiar with the dougie, first of all crawl out from that hole you're living in and second play this video:

The second song is Stereo Love.  This song takes me back to Greece and Turkey (that God forsaken country, sorry if there are any Turks reading my blog).  I studied abroad this summer for three weeks with two of my roommates, Mikki (you might know her as "mini nose") and Lan Lan M (you might know her as Leanne, yea that's her government name she doesn't usually use it because she's usually on the run).  Anyway Greece was awesome but the thing about Greece was it was hotter than all hell and I do not like to be hot, and we hiked up mountains, Lauren does not hike.  So back to the song, Stereo Love its my all time favorite song it really takes me back.  All of you Americans who are reading my blog you just discovered this song and I'm sure you think it's so great but the thing is I already heard the song by the time it came to the U.S.  So what I'm trying to say is that I am more worldly and international than all of you who just discovered Stereo Love.  If you haven't heard it here you go, you're welcome.

My third song reminds me of Atlantic City and the bad decisions I have made while partying there.  Last semester Mikki and I were seriously running shit in Atlantic City.  We were there almost every weekend, obviously that was an over-exaggeration, relax.  I love everything about Atlantic City, I love how everyone is dressed up and looks amazing (especially me).  I love that sometimes I win money.  The thing I love the most the poor suckers who buy my friends and I drinks and the lies that they tell us.  Last February I met some guy who had a black card that was my initial attraction to him naturally.  So this clown tells me he's on the Florida Marlins.  I'm sure that girls believe him when he tells them that but come on, you have no muscles you're actually probably skinnier than me, there is no way that you are a professional baseball player.  Now you guys at home might be thinking, "But Lauren, he had a black card he must have money so how do you know for sure he wasn't a Marlin."  Because I took my blackberry out as soon as this lie crossed his skinny lips and googled his name, how do I know it was his real name you ask? Because I made him show me I.D.  So the next time we go to Atlantic City we meet "professional football players" right and I'm Heidi Klum.  I am very aware that professional athletes frequent Atlantic City but I am not meeting any of the real ones trust me.  So here's the song and my unofficial anthem:

Here's a picture of Mikki and I pregaming in Atlantic City.  Yes, I realize I look like a prostitute but give me a break it's Atlantic City.

Fourth song, is dedicated to one of my best friends, Mikki.  I'm not going to get all emotional and nice about how she's my best friend, believe me.  We heard this song last year or whenever it came out and we loved it.  Whenever we were in the car without each other, which wasn't very often we would text each other what station to put on.  I know, we're attached to each other.  I really value the friendship I have with Mikki, she really gets me and is always there to laugh at my jokes or hear the stupid stories I somehow had gotten myself into.  Alright enough with me being nice, this song is apparently a "booty call" song I didn't even realize until recently, but I don't care it's still our song.  She actually just asked me if I was going to put "our song" in my blog and I said, "No" and she said, "But I do need you."  The girl is obsessed with me it's getting scary.

Fifth song is about all of my girlfriends.  It seriously was written for us I'm pretty sure.  I really like country music a lot, that might come as a surprise to many of you.  It actually for some reason reminds me of the drunken fights that my friends and I almost get in while we're out at bars.  I was out in Manayunk, Mad River to be exact, and some girl butts in front of Mikki and I in the coat check line at the end of the night.  Mikki has some serious beer muscles and a more serious liquor lisp (if you don't know Mikki you won't understand her lisp to the full extent that I wish you could).  Anyway back to this bitch, she butts in front of us and Mikki says, "What are you doing?" and the girl says, "Just trying to get over there."  Meaning just trying to cut through the line getting to the other side of it.  So we give her the benefit of the doubt and say OK.  It is now apparent that this girl just butted in front of us.  We're pissed.  Mikki says, "What are you doing? You butted in front of us! You are such a bitch."  The girl turns around and says, "You're right I am a bitch."  So I'm drunk and call her a dick, who calls another girl a dick?  I don't know, apparently me.  She gets her coat and I pour my drink on her shoulder discretely, then she pushes me and runs away.  Yea, this girl pushes me.  Side note: I'm 5'7" without heels on I had at least 4 inch maybe 5 inch heels on this night and this girl came  up to my boobs.  So needless to say, I didn't even budge when she pushed me.  Anyway, here's the song

There's the sound track to my life, I hope you enjoy.  Breaking News:  Courtney, one of my roommates, and her fiance will be reciting my "Philly Girls" quote as their evening prayer tonight before dinner.  Immediately following they will be raising their Yuenglings to a South Jersey girl quote.  I am going out tonight in Manayunk so needless to say I'll have a great story to blog about tomorrow.  Bye for now.